Why does she stay?

Generally, a woman will return to an abuser 7 to 10 times before she leaves him for good. The most common question associated with Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is: "Why does she stay?" It is a question that will do more harm than good because it is accusatory and belittling to an abused woman who has already been accused and belittled enough. The better question about intimate partner violence is "What can I do to help?"

Here are 22 reasons that a woman stays with her abuser:

1. He has threatened to kill her or she has reason to believe that he would kill her if he finds out that she is leaving him (e.g. he has access to guns). Saying to an abuser "I'm leaving you", serving him with divorce papers, or getting an order for protection are huge triggers for increased violence and put the woman at a staggeringly high risk for being murdered.

-17 IPV deaths in 2006. 8 of them were trying to leave. 11 of them were gun related deaths.

2. He has obtained economic control throughout the course of the relationship. The abuser could be the main source of income for the family, leaving the abused with no financial means to leave. He may have access to her accounts or he may have credit cards in her name leaving her in financial ruin in the event that she would try and leave him.

3. She may not be able to hold a job. Abusers often stalk their partners at their places of employment. Making frequent phone calls and visits could jeopardize her job and thus give her a long track record of being fired which ultimately makes her an undesirable candidate for a job position. It is also common to hear things like "you would rather spend more time at work" or "you're having an affair with your coworker" which would cause her to quit to avoid any harmful consequences. Ex: A woman waitresses and her husband comes to her job, frightens off her customers, takes her time away from her job, and compiles a bar tab that she has to deduct from her wages/tips.

4. She has children. The children could be young and in need of day care/child support. Leaving him would give her insufficient funds to take care of them. They could be under his health care plan and he could be in possession of all documents regarding the children. Her children could side with him because they love him. He could threaten to kill the kids if she leaves them. He could obtain partial physical custody and abuse the children as a means of getting at her. He may make false claims against her and she fears losing her kids.

5. He does not have a stable career. The chances of being killed by an abuser increase by 4 times if the abuser is unemployed, underemployed, or seasonally employed.

6. He is a police officer/law enforcement worker. Surprisingly his co-workers/connections will side with him (ex: "I know Tom and he would never do that") and she would find it difficult to get any support or protection. YOU CAN ASSUME THAT THERE IS ALWAYS A GUN IN THE HOUSE. There are significant barriers to enforcement and conviction when police officers are the abusers.

7. Minimizing, Denying, Blaming. He has convinced her that she is either crazy or that she is at fault. 'Stop crying, I didn't hit you that hard.' 'Why did you make me do that to you?' 'You're crazy, I didn't take your cell phone.' He breaks her down so much and so often that she feels that she does deserve to be abused because she is the flawed one and he is not.

8. Isolation. He has isolated her from her friends, family, and coworkers to the point that she has no support and feels helpless. It is easier to leave if the woman has outlets, for example, a boss who documents the abuse (days Sally comes in crying, days she comes in with bruises/injuries, how many phone calls she takes). It also helps to have friends with which you can leave important documents (birth certificates, medical records, copies of OFP) and money.

9. Battered Women's Syndrome.

-The woman believes that the abuse is her fault

-She has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere

-The woman fears for her life and the life of her children

-She holds irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent

10. Substance Abuse. She can blame his abuse on either drugs or alcohol use or he blames his behaviors on drugs and alcohol and promises her that he will go to treatment.

11. False Honeymoon phase. After a violent incident he apologizes, begs for forgiveness, promises to get help, takes her out to eat, sends her flowers, etc. And she takes him back.

12. She is nostalgic of the person he used to be. Although she never experiences the same man again, she fondly loves him as the man she once knew and loved before he started abusing her.

13. She does not have or know of resources available. She does not know who to call for services, what kind of services are available, how to get an Order for Protection (OFP), where there are shelters. She may not have internet access, or he is monitoring the internet use and history. He could be recording the milage on her car so that she is unable to go to library, attorney, city hall.

14. She was exposed to abuse in her family as a child. If she was subjected to seeing the abuse of her mother she is likely to stay with an abuser because it was the way she was brought up and she doesn't know an other way. Also, if she is aware that her abuser had IPV in his family she could blame his actions on the things he saw in his past.

15. She was involved with dating violence as a teen. One in five high school girls from a 2001 study were victims of physical or sexual abuse from their partners. Often these behaviors carry over into adult relationships.

16. She has had negative law enforcement experiences in the past, or has heard of similar instances from within the community. The candor of a police officer is very important. They have to be respectful and honest (removing their hat, saying things like 'I'm fearful for your safety', checking the kids, fully completing a report) even though a domestic call is not as exciting as a police chase. It is important to have the trust of an abused woman or she will NOT call 911 in future instances.

17. Her religion or culture condemns divorce. A woman who goes to her church leader for advice may be told to go home to her husband and be a good wife. Her community may shun her if she leaves her husband. They most likely will work to save the family rather than stop the violence.

18. She does not want him to be prosecuted. Most women just want the violence to end.

19. His name may be on all important documents (i.e. lease, house, car, insurance)

20. The system has failed her before. The court system has not always been designed to protect the victim. In the past, they may have failed to arrest her abuser after an incident, they may not have notified her of his release from jail, legal expenses, lack of help from women's centers, a police officer who failed to make a complete report... etc.

21. Stockholm Syndrome. Survival in extreme situations where the abused allies with the abuser. The victim recieves small acts of kindness from the abuser and focuses on them. The most common example of stockholm syndrome is in hostage situations, but can be applied to battered women as well.

22. Learned Helplessness. Women who are repeatedly battered experience similar psychological responses to dogs who suffer from repeated electric shocks without being able to escape, and eventually do not attempt to escape even if the opportunity is given to them.

Here are some things that I believe are important for you to know...

-In Minnesota police may arrest a person anywhere without a warrant if they have probable cause that the person has committed actions of domestic violence within the last 24 hours even if the acts did not take place in the presence of a police officer. Ex: If the abuser offends and then disappears, the police have a 24 hour time frame within which they can make an arrest.

-Burglary and Domestic Assault- burglary is defined as a person entering a home without consent with the intent to commit a crime. This includes and abuser who enters a home that he is legally banned from with the intent to harm his partner.

-In Minnesota interference with an emergency call is a gross misdemeanor.

-Victims rights include: The right to financial assistance, notification, protection from harm, and a speedy prosecution.

-1800-799-SAFE (7233) is the Domestic Violence Hotline

-Orders for Protection and DANCO (restraining orders) are enforceable everywhere, they last for 2 to 50 years, they are FREE, and a police officer is mandated to arrest an offender if there is probable cause that the OFP has been violated. Police officers can serve OFPs at any time.

-Go to vinelink.com for information about an offender if he is in the system. You can register to be notified when there is a change in the offenders status. This service is available 24 hours a day.

-You can request that a police officer take temporary inventory on an abusers firearms.

-Go to http://www.mcbw.org/help to search for services available in Minnesota.

The Ordway

Today Jesus is dying for our sins. Before he goes, I want to thank him for metro transit. If it wasn't for the bus lane in downtown Minneapolis, I wouldn't have seen the advertisement for Wuthering Heights, my absolute favorite book ever in opera form. Of course I had to get tickets, despite the fact that the closest I've ever been to an opera is filling "aria" into my crossword puzzle. I tried to bribe my sister to go because she can get extra credit for performances in her band class, but she is always too busy being an angsty teen. Thus, I decided to invite my grandma. She's in a book club, she has read my favorite book, and she's a cheap senior discount date. Good plan right?

Let me tell you, my grandma does not like anything. She kindly informed me that she was very excited. And then proceeded to go on about how much she disliked reading Wuthering Heights because it's too dark and twisted. Oh and, she's so glad that no one in our family acts like Heathcliff and Cathy. One more doozy: The only other time she's been to an opera, she walked out. IN ROME.

What. A. Buzz. Kill.

The text messages I exchanged with my dad after I called my grandma went like this:

-"WHY DOES SHE DO THIS TO ME? UGH."

-"I nvr ask her 2 do nething nemore. Dnt worry. She told me shes xcited last wk wen I accidently told her ur plan."

-"Right, Kesha. We R Who We R. If she tries to leave I'm putting her in a cab to the nunnery"

-"wat?"

After I purchased our discounted tickets at exactly 5:54 p.m., I bounced around for a few minutes and screamed in excitement. My younger sister (who is just learning how to tell time) yelled at me, "Shut up kay kay, It's 12:30, wait a half hour will you?" I forgot all about my grandma being a gigantic bore until later in the week when I called her to confirm our plans and she said "Oh goodness, I haven't been downtown in 20 years. That should be interesting." Gahhhhhh.

I was so, so wrong. The entire night was fantastic (besides the huge run that my control top nylons acquired while I was crawling around looking for shoes). Wuthering Heights at The Ordway in St. Paul was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It brought tears to my eyeballs, I was so moved. But remember, I am an amateur opera attendee. I'm the girl who duct taped two toilet paper rolls together to make theater binoculars. I was so happy that FINALLY someone (Hindley's character) had managed to make the phrase "I'm going to kick out your brains" sound classy and glamorous. Not to mention opera singers are spicy hot, but I wasn't about to say that to my grandma.

(I'm 66% sure you're not supposed to take pictures)

My G-unit either pretended to feel the same way as me, or she really did enjoy herself. She happened to murmur after the house lights went up that she may just finish reading the book. That is all that I could ask for.

Next time you see me I'll be in Seat 9, Mezzanine Box J. Either that or I'm auditioning for the next opera season. I sang "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner in aria at work today and everyone just adored it....

Happy Earth Day and Good Friday, adieu :)

-kb

P.S. If you have a chance tomorrow night (April 23rd) and you're in the Twin Cities you should try and get tickets for the last performance. Wuthering Heights starts at 7:30 P.M. at The Ordway in the cardiac cavity of St. Paul. It's in English, and if you haven't spent the last 20 years tuning your ear to understand "sopranist" they have subtitles above the stage. You can get tickets at mnopera.org. Remember to call the offices for a discounted price if you're a student (k-12/college) or if you're going with your 65+ picky grandmother. -Also, If you're a lucky s.o.b. and you get backstage, ask the orchestra conductor how much his hands are insured for. Report back. I was curious.

aging

Sometimes I wonder how men will feel about the way they've treated people when they get to the point in their lives where they reflect, and actually have feelings. Women reflect on their feelings every day, but for men, I believe such reflection comes much later in life. I don't think that the masculine persona is worth the repercussions when that is the way one has to remember themselves for the rest of their lives. And although the feelings about one's self die with the body, the actions live on as memories in everyone else for generations.

I work with a lot of eldery people who have nothing to do all day. No letters to send or phone calls to make because they have no one left to give themselves to. Some stare at the walls all day and into the night, not even caring that the lights need to be turned on when dark falls. Even in the brain of a person with Alzheimer's, what are they thinking? The short term memory fails, but the past is as strong as ever. Have you ever tried to bring an Alzheimer's patient back to present time? In training caregivers are taught that at a certain point, it's almost better for the person if you don't bring them back from 1954. If science could prove that we are actually reliving our bad moments over and over again as our reality fades, I think everyone would become a lot nicer to each other. If I've learned anything from the elderly it's that you should always be gracious onto others. It only takes a few seconds for you to need that person more than you've ever needed anyone in your life.

Are you happy with the way you treated others today?

How to Find a Book at Half Price Books

The truth is, you don't.

I've been looking for The Omnivore's Dilemma for almost six months at my local Half- Price Books store and I haven't found it once. Yes, at one point in the six months I came across enough money to buy myself 45 new copies of the book in hardcover and a yacht, but I prefer used books solely for the sake of someone else's snotty fingers dog ear-ing all of the pages before me. Recently, I gave up leisure reads for highlighting textbooks. But, in light of my recent obsession with stalking The Amatuer Gourmet for updates every ten minutes, I went back to Half Price Books to find Adam's book which is properly named The Amatuer Gourmet ... I wonder where he came up with that??? Funny thing, I didn't find the book. I scanned every isle that it could be in (Those discount book stores are really sneaky. I found Eat, Pray, Love in the marriage section once) but to no avail. What I did find, though, was The Omnivore's Dilemma. They say that you find love when you least expect it. Tonight has proven that I can apply that rule to my entire life, and I will, which is why I have discontinued all attempts to located my bellybutton. I will find it when I least expect it.

Today, I also learned how to create a link. How elementary of me, but I've noticed that a successful blogger links EVERYTHING.

Lazy Sunday When Minneapolis is Slush

If you ever have a lazy day when you don't want to exercise throw on some comfy, fashionista clothes and hit up the Minneapolis Institute of Arts in South Minneapolis. Free admission, with donations accepted, the museum is a good way to relax and burn off some of that skinny no whip vanilla latte that you've been slamming all your life. Art is also good for wiping the sludge off your brain (except for the "Erotic Plates" from Korea... don't forget your glasses or you'll miss the teeny tiny phallic details on centuries old ceramic) I missed the Venetian paintings because I started getting tired by the time I got to the 3rd floor. Too much drinky drinky the night before for how much walky walky I did, luckily they have a coffee shop that sells beer. sil vous plait!! I'll probably go back this week to check out the Venetian paintings from Scotland; it's Scottish and it makes me feel inches closer to Craig Ferguson. Delicious.

I suggest, if you are a 20 something like myself and you have a fantasy of meeting the love of your life at the Goya painting, that you go on a weekday.... Or any day that isn't an elementary school teacher workshop/weekend. Shrouds of loud kids clomping around in their boots kind of ruins the peacefulness of the Buddha statues on the second floor. An art student friend of my suggested between 3-5 or else getting away from the excess noise would mean hiding in the modern art galleries for three hours. Other than annoyed bitches like myself, the museum is really children friendly. I will take my sisters some day so I can pretend like I know everything about art interpretation.

My favorite section is the Asian parts of the world. I'm not trying to turn into a manga loving, white face painting wannabe, but I really appreciate the beauty and the air of delicacy that surrounds the sacred practices of the historic dynasties. You don't find any anime cluttering the MIA walls. The Japanese art shows a significant change in their development as an independent country with paintings and screens that shows a shift from depicting other countries to embracing their own landscape. You can also see the greater care that they put into their possessions from their wardrobe to their enchanting pottery pieces. I just wish they would have let me try on the kimono...

When you leave the MIA you will find yourself fantasizing about being an art curator. Don't quit your day job. We can't all be Charlotte York from Sex and the City. Go buy a slice of pizza and call it a day.