Things That I've Done With Eggplant

I apologize if I am missing sentences or words in this post, I've been entirely distracted by Angelina Jolie's lips in The Tourist. Pause at 31:56 when she is shmoozing Johnny Depp in Venice and try not to freak out about her face.

I went to the Farmer's Market two Sundays ago and came home with a mother load of mini eggplants and small yukon gold potatoes. I wasn't thinking clearly, considering I had just gotten off of the night shift so when I woke up at 6 P.M. that evening I was surprised to see a half eaten raw potato in bed with me. That's not Ambien folks, that's just plain crazy sleep deprived.

Everywhere the public looks there is Eggplant Parmesan. By everywhere I am referring to Olive Garden, so eggparm was not an option for my eggplants. I looked to my copy of Joy for advice. I learned two things, eggplant changes moods like an angsty teen, and it soaks up liquid like a Bounty paper towel. If you keep it for too long it gets bitter and needs to be immersed in sea salt for 1-3 hours to extract the bad taste, but if you use it right away it will take up all of your olive oil and butter and water and the juice from your chicken and the moisture in the air of your kitchen. I found the best way to beat the system is to score the surface deeply with a knife and then stuff the cracks with garlic and onion powder before steaming in the microwave for 5-8 minutes (depending on the size). Excess liquid will seep out of the cracks during steaming and the garlic/onion combination will cover any bitter taste. I did this with the clean yukon potatoes and mashed both veggies together with some pepper and olive oil. Add some feta cheese to the top and you have an amazing remake of the mashed potato.

That's not feta cheese stuck to the side of the bowl. That's a dog. She was dying for some eggplant.

In another bout of insanity I decided to use up the terrible olive oil that was brought to me when I sent a college male out to fetch me groceries during a frantic day in the kitchen. I dumped some EVOO into a bowl, squeezed in half a lemon, spooned in some honey, and added some chopped walnuts and a shake of pepper. While the olive oil was fermenting my walnuts, I sliced some eggplants and tossed them in a colander with sea salt. Since my patience is about the size of a Ken Barbie doll, I immediately covered a baking sheet with tin foil and doused it with more olive oil. Before the EVOO could eat through to the pan I threw down the eggplants and spooned my cocktail over the top. I sprinkled everything with feta cheese in hopes that it could thwart the molotov of heavy flavors and popped it into the oven at 350 degrees. After the eggplant had sizzled and browned slightly, I pulled it out and set to curling some prosciutto for the tops.

I folded one slice over, stuck it into my mouth and immediately felt my lips crack. It seems that eggplant can also absorb salt crystals. I suggest never immersing them in a salt bath and just compensating for the bitter taste with a different flavor. Other than that, my improvisation turned out fairly well, although I'll probably just stick to mashed eggplant next time.

It's 5 O'clock in the Morning

Listening to: 5 O'clock by T-Pain ft. Lily Allen and Wiz Khalifa.

After I mastered the Banana Brown Betty from Joy, I got gutsy and started dreaming about muffins. I had read somewhere recently that sometimes things that are marketed as muffins don't always have real fruit in them (fake, man-made blueberries... really guys?) and it disgusted me. This was the same nonsense stumble that told me orange juice can sit in vacuum sealed vats for years... ew. Google it real fast to see what I'm talking about.

These muffin and orange juice revelations have given me severe breakfast separation anxiety, so I've had to start making my own muffins. Orange juice I simply replaced with chocolate milk. Easy enough, but being creative with muffins is seemingly difficult for me (see previous post about hating to bake).

I typically spend the first 10 minutes of my morning lying in bed and thinking about what will get me through the day, and for 3 days my thoughts were all about muffin filling. On the third day she rose again and went to Trader Joe's. There, I found Trader Joe's Honey Apple Butter and some terrible chile spiced mangos.

I fed the mangos to my sister and decided to use the butter as the filling in my muffins!

I took the recipe for basic muffins out of Joy and adapted it to my own use, which is apparently super easy to do with muffins according to The Book. Here goes!

Basic Muffins with Milk or Cream

Pre-heat the oven to 400 degrees.

Grease a standard muffin pan.

Stir together in a small bowl and set aside:

1 1/2 cups vanilla wafers, crushed

1/4 cup sugar

3/4 stick butter

1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Whisk together in a large bowl:

2 cups all purpose flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

Whisk together in another bowl:

2 large eggs

1 cup heavy whipping cream

2/3 cup of sugar

1 stick of melted butter

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and incorporate carefully without over mixing. The batter is not supposed to be smooth. Spoon in enough batter to fill half of each well. WITH CLEAN HANDS, make an imprint in the batter and spoon in a small amount of the Trader Joe's Honey Apple Butter. Use the rest of the batter to cover the butter. Press the vanilla wafer crumb mixture into the top and dust with ground cinnamon. Put in the oven for 12 to 15 minutes! Remember, it's easier to give time then to taketh away. :)

I would make this recipe again, but most likely I would sub nutmeg with cinnamon, the nutmeg taste was overwhelming with the Honey Apple Butter. Also, don't make the mistake of overheating the stick of butter because it will scramble the eggs! Happy Baking, I know it was for me.

Stay tuned for next week! I'm going to master cookies.

Why You Can Never Mess Up a Recipe When Ol' Blue Eyes is Singing

I got my very own copy of the Joy of Cooking for the first time about a year ago. Since then, I've made the one same recipe over and over again without ever thinking about making anything else.

I give you, ladies and gentleman my famed "stick to every crevice of your duodenum" Mushroom Veloute Sauce

Honestly, it's amazing. Stir in some extra heavy cream or a half a stick of butter when you take it off the heat, and it's called "Sauce Supreme".

So, because I posess Jesus of cooking I decided that it's fine time for me to move on to other sections of The Book. Sections that make my tears leak just thinking about them. I really don't even have to add salt to any of my baked goods because I cry all over the dough and my tears produce the exact equivalent of 1 tsp iodized sodium. I clogged my tear ducts with wax, put on Frank Sinatra duets for comfort and plunged forward.

I finally settled on an easy thing called a "Banana Brown Betty". No one knows who the heck Brown Betty is supposed to be, but I 'm sure she is Betty Crocker's dead alcoholic aunt. I picked banana because I haven't been able to get the tempura dessert out of my mind that Kayla and I received at Wasabi Fusion in Minneapolis. It made us anything short of crazy. Slightly crunchy outside, but all banana goo on the inside.

I swear they just smash a slice of banana down with a fork and flip it in

some burning hot oil for 10 seconds, but it is delicious.

Banana Brown Betty (Adapted from Joy of Cooking, but modified to my own liking)

Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees. Get a pie plate ready for crust and custard distribution.

Combine in a bowl and set aside:

1 1/2 cups crushed Nilla Wafers or any off brand*

1/4 cup sugar

3/4 stick of unsalted butter, melted (While butter is melting quick change to No. 8 of Duets. The song is New York, New York with Tony Bennett. Do a slow dance with the refrigerator door for 30 seconds and high kick your way to the microwave when the butter is completely melted)

Peel and cut into even slices:

4 firm, ripe bananas**

In a medium sauce pan simmer 1 1/2 cups of milk

While milk is heating beat into a bowl:

1 Lg. Egg

1/4 cup sugar

1 tblspn all purpose flour

1 tblspn cornstarch

1/4 tsp salt (or tears, in my case)

Whisk half of the hot milk into the egg mixture, proceed to mix this mixture gradually into the rest of the milk in the pan. Return to medium heat whisking constantly and scraping down sides until mixture has thickened. Remove from heat, still whisking, for 1 minute. Add 1/2 tsp of Vanilla extract. Fold bananas into saucepan and set aside.

Press half of Nilla Wafer crumbs into the bottom of pie plate. Spoon banana mixture over crumbs, and dust with ground cinnamon. Cover with the rest of the wafer crumbs. Bake until the top is brown and filling is warm. Allow to cool before serving.

Perfecto! No incessant sobbing necessary!

Joy recommends eating all of this in one sitting with a strawberry sauce on one side and Frank Sinatra on the other. The sauce is shown in the lead photo, but I wouldn't make it again. This dish would be better served hot with ice cream. It doesn't reheat well, but it makes a good breakfast meal served cold!

*Crush Nilla Wafers by putting them them in a Ziplock bag and crushing them with whatever is handy, i.e. bottle, rolling pin, fist, head.

**This sh*t is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S

I found this in the City Pages today...

Why does she stay?

Generally, a woman will return to an abuser 7 to 10 times before she leaves him for good. The most common question associated with Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is: "Why does she stay?" It is a question that will do more harm than good because it is accusatory and belittling to an abused woman who has already been accused and belittled enough. The better question about intimate partner violence is "What can I do to help?"

Here are 22 reasons that a woman stays with her abuser:

1. He has threatened to kill her or she has reason to believe that he would kill her if he finds out that she is leaving him (e.g. he has access to guns). Saying to an abuser "I'm leaving you", serving him with divorce papers, or getting an order for protection are huge triggers for increased violence and put the woman at a staggeringly high risk for being murdered.

-17 IPV deaths in 2006. 8 of them were trying to leave. 11 of them were gun related deaths.

2. He has obtained economic control throughout the course of the relationship. The abuser could be the main source of income for the family, leaving the abused with no financial means to leave. He may have access to her accounts or he may have credit cards in her name leaving her in financial ruin in the event that she would try and leave him.

3. She may not be able to hold a job. Abusers often stalk their partners at their places of employment. Making frequent phone calls and visits could jeopardize her job and thus give her a long track record of being fired which ultimately makes her an undesirable candidate for a job position. It is also common to hear things like "you would rather spend more time at work" or "you're having an affair with your coworker" which would cause her to quit to avoid any harmful consequences. Ex: A woman waitresses and her husband comes to her job, frightens off her customers, takes her time away from her job, and compiles a bar tab that she has to deduct from her wages/tips.

4. She has children. The children could be young and in need of day care/child support. Leaving him would give her insufficient funds to take care of them. They could be under his health care plan and he could be in possession of all documents regarding the children. Her children could side with him because they love him. He could threaten to kill the kids if she leaves them. He could obtain partial physical custody and abuse the children as a means of getting at her. He may make false claims against her and she fears losing her kids.

5. He does not have a stable career. The chances of being killed by an abuser increase by 4 times if the abuser is unemployed, underemployed, or seasonally employed.

6. He is a police officer/law enforcement worker. Surprisingly his co-workers/connections will side with him (ex: "I know Tom and he would never do that") and she would find it difficult to get any support or protection. YOU CAN ASSUME THAT THERE IS ALWAYS A GUN IN THE HOUSE. There are significant barriers to enforcement and conviction when police officers are the abusers.

7. Minimizing, Denying, Blaming. He has convinced her that she is either crazy or that she is at fault. 'Stop crying, I didn't hit you that hard.' 'Why did you make me do that to you?' 'You're crazy, I didn't take your cell phone.' He breaks her down so much and so often that she feels that she does deserve to be abused because she is the flawed one and he is not.

8. Isolation. He has isolated her from her friends, family, and coworkers to the point that she has no support and feels helpless. It is easier to leave if the woman has outlets, for example, a boss who documents the abuse (days Sally comes in crying, days she comes in with bruises/injuries, how many phone calls she takes). It also helps to have friends with which you can leave important documents (birth certificates, medical records, copies of OFP) and money.

9. Battered Women's Syndrome.

-The woman believes that the abuse is her fault

-She has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere

-The woman fears for her life and the life of her children

-She holds irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent

10. Substance Abuse. She can blame his abuse on either drugs or alcohol use or he blames his behaviors on drugs and alcohol and promises her that he will go to treatment.

11. False Honeymoon phase. After a violent incident he apologizes, begs for forgiveness, promises to get help, takes her out to eat, sends her flowers, etc. And she takes him back.

12. She is nostalgic of the person he used to be. Although she never experiences the same man again, she fondly loves him as the man she once knew and loved before he started abusing her.

13. She does not have or know of resources available. She does not know who to call for services, what kind of services are available, how to get an Order for Protection (OFP), where there are shelters. She may not have internet access, or he is monitoring the internet use and history. He could be recording the milage on her car so that she is unable to go to library, attorney, city hall.

14. She was exposed to abuse in her family as a child. If she was subjected to seeing the abuse of her mother she is likely to stay with an abuser because it was the way she was brought up and she doesn't know an other way. Also, if she is aware that her abuser had IPV in his family she could blame his actions on the things he saw in his past.

15. She was involved with dating violence as a teen. One in five high school girls from a 2001 study were victims of physical or sexual abuse from their partners. Often these behaviors carry over into adult relationships.

16. She has had negative law enforcement experiences in the past, or has heard of similar instances from within the community. The candor of a police officer is very important. They have to be respectful and honest (removing their hat, saying things like 'I'm fearful for your safety', checking the kids, fully completing a report) even though a domestic call is not as exciting as a police chase. It is important to have the trust of an abused woman or she will NOT call 911 in future instances.

17. Her religion or culture condemns divorce. A woman who goes to her church leader for advice may be told to go home to her husband and be a good wife. Her community may shun her if she leaves her husband. They most likely will work to save the family rather than stop the violence.

18. She does not want him to be prosecuted. Most women just want the violence to end.

19. His name may be on all important documents (i.e. lease, house, car, insurance)

20. The system has failed her before. The court system has not always been designed to protect the victim. In the past, they may have failed to arrest her abuser after an incident, they may not have notified her of his release from jail, legal expenses, lack of help from women's centers, a police officer who failed to make a complete report... etc.

21. Stockholm Syndrome. Survival in extreme situations where the abused allies with the abuser. The victim recieves small acts of kindness from the abuser and focuses on them. The most common example of stockholm syndrome is in hostage situations, but can be applied to battered women as well.

22. Learned Helplessness. Women who are repeatedly battered experience similar psychological responses to dogs who suffer from repeated electric shocks without being able to escape, and eventually do not attempt to escape even if the opportunity is given to them.

Here are some things that I believe are important for you to know...

-In Minnesota police may arrest a person anywhere without a warrant if they have probable cause that the person has committed actions of domestic violence within the last 24 hours even if the acts did not take place in the presence of a police officer. Ex: If the abuser offends and then disappears, the police have a 24 hour time frame within which they can make an arrest.

-Burglary and Domestic Assault- burglary is defined as a person entering a home without consent with the intent to commit a crime. This includes and abuser who enters a home that he is legally banned from with the intent to harm his partner.

-In Minnesota interference with an emergency call is a gross misdemeanor.

-Victims rights include: The right to financial assistance, notification, protection from harm, and a speedy prosecution.

-1800-799-SAFE (7233) is the Domestic Violence Hotline

-Orders for Protection and DANCO (restraining orders) are enforceable everywhere, they last for 2 to 50 years, they are FREE, and a police officer is mandated to arrest an offender if there is probable cause that the OFP has been violated. Police officers can serve OFPs at any time.

-Go to vinelink.com for information about an offender if he is in the system. You can register to be notified when there is a change in the offenders status. This service is available 24 hours a day.

-You can request that a police officer take temporary inventory on an abusers firearms.

-Go to http://www.mcbw.org/help to search for services available in Minnesota.