Things That Keep Me Up at Night

The water is cloudy cause I didn't know to rinse the rocks first, I assume.

In 8th grade there was a girl who's name starts with an S. I wish I could remember exactly, so that all of the men out there would know she is BAD NEWS. Well, we were young and she was telling me about how she had gotten drunk the night before with her cousins (this was a year before my cousins got me absolutely wasted so I pretended to be cool with it). I guess they poured vodka into some guys fish tank and tried to feed the fish pizza before they all passed out with the oven still hot and fish still marinating in BOOZE. Needless to say, they woke up to dead fish and a cool oven. I work in two hours and I'm currently losing sleep over this story. I think of this every time I put off cleaning my own little Chunk's bowl. I got Emily Jalapeno Chunk in June and because I'm a good mommy, today we made a significant life change in his pineapple under the sea. The lead picture is from the day I got him. The picture below is the new habitat. I'm afraid that the color of the neon pink rocks will kill him so I have his night light on so I can make sure he isn't in there thrashing around/trying to off himself on the new seashells. I hope he starts eating soon. I'm really worried he is going to die because he spends half of his life playing with his food and regurgitating pieces of beta bites all over his house. But at least if he cacks it's because he had an eating disorder, and not because I got shit canned and poured chardonnay in his bowl.

That touch light in the corner is so he doesn't have to be in the dark all day while I'm working.
Praise for good parenting.

Montagne Jeunesse

There are certain beauty products that I will swear by until I am dead or the products discontinue: witch hazel, KMS Hairplay Makeover Spray, Vaseline, Olay In-Shower Body Wash, Crest White Strips, and Redken Smooth Down Butter Treatment.

The newest addition to my shower shelf fam is Montagne Jeunesse. Don't even try to say that without knowing how to speak French. Jeunesse sounds like a trendy new age church when a Minnesotan tries to sound it out in English. 

I have always been a big fan of the face mask concept, and I used to have this small tube of Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque back in the day that I coveted for years after it was finished, yet I never ran into it again after the trial run. Fast forward to adult life: I didn't realize that impulse purchasing a 1 ct. Raspberry Banana clay mask by Montagne Jeunesse would resurrect my face mask yearning. I found MJ at the cash register in Ulta on Black Friday. I happily purchased the packet along with my hoards of other unnecessary things that I eventually returned. (Except the MJ, imagine the cashier's face if I tried to return a used clay mask...) I went back for the next three days to buy more packets, and to rack up some mad points on my customer card. On the last day I found out that MJ is a UK product that has hardly been introduced in the US, so I went back a few days later and practically bought the store out. After, I "followed" MJ on twitter (@MontagneJeunesse) and "Liked" them on Facebook so that I can be the first person notified when they decide to ship o're yonder. 

MJ sells their products in single use packets in the same way that Taco Bell packages single servings of hot sauce, it's just not enough. I found small tubes tucked back on the bottom shelf of the skin care aisles right next to the foot cream. Guess what else they were stocked next to. You won't believe it.

Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque.

My exact words at the time: "WTF?"

And you know what? After literally ages of longing for another, larger tube of Mint Julep, I skipped right past it and bought a MJ product that I hadn't tried yet. Talk about obsessed. My sisters came home from their after school activities that Monday and we smeared the stuff all over our faces. It was heaven. My dad laughed pretty hard when he got in and we were all "relaxing" on the couch with face masks on and Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny) playing on repeat. 

So far these are the versions that I've tried and how I've felt about them:

Fruit Smoothie Face Masque: This is a gateway masque. One whiff of the stuff and you're completely screwed. Don't eat it.

Dark Chocolate Deep Cleansing Mud Mask: This gave me a flashback to my grandma giving me those Terry's Milk Chocolate Orange balls that you smack on the table or on your younger sister until the pieces break off into what resembles orange slices. My flashback was interrupted by the slight burn of a warming sensation. Burns so good. Fine for me and my teenage sis, but not the youngest. She loved it, but I saw faint traces of irritation from the "deep cleaning" portion when I washed hers off. Lesson learned: Not for babies. (Just joking of course, she is not a baby.) 

Dead Sea Mud Pack: This smelled like shaving cream. I said so, my sisters said so. But the feeling is sweet, sweet glory. 

Cucumber Peel Off Face Masque: Once I put it on, I became skeptical that it would peel off well, but it did! Almost like when you put too many layers of aloe vera gel on a sunburn and it peels off like a second, green skin. Anyone? Maybe that's only happened to me. (photo taken from www.buy.com)

I definitely recommend getting your hands on some of these products. They have endless choices. I'm dying to try the cellulite masque for your thighs. YOUR THIGHS. Can you believe it? They also have a mens line that I'm going to try on my dad while he sleeps. If you can't wait another second, get to your nearest beauty supply store and ask for the MJ. If you can wait a hot minute, go to amazon to get the MJ products in the U.S.A. If you're from the UK, you're a lucky bastard. 

Happy masking!

I Know How to Make a Roux, Man

Happy November!

Today is my day off, I was up at seven A.M., as usual, and spent the morning lounging in bed, watching the news and reading up on my chances of buying the Hanson mmmMansion. I've been reflecting a lot lately on how much I love the fall season and Minneapolis at this time of the year, although I'm unhappy that farmer's market season is coming to a close soon. Today was one of those days. I went for a cruise to my favorite out-of-the-way Dunn Bros on the outskirts of downtown. The day makers are an attractive crew and they know exactly what I like. There is also an exhilarating feeling about being downtown on a beautiful morning which is probably the number one reason that I make the trip. I used to live a few blocks away so it has become a routine, one that I miss significantly since I moved.

When I got home, I chose to ignore cleaning my cave and folding my laundry in light of finding a filling fall dish to make for my sisters as an after school snack. I googled around and looked in Joy, but didn't find anything very good until I clicked my bookmark for Rachael Ray's website where I discovered Pumpkin Cheddar Mac n' Cheese. Talk about "yummo"!

Pumpkin Cheddar Mac n' Cheese taken from Rachael Ray's Official Website but adapted to my liking:

1 lb. whole wheat penne (Or just one box. Don't turn your head trying to convert measurements)

4 tablespoons butter (half stick)

3 tablespoons flour

1 cup chicken stock (I mistakenly grabbed chicken broth. Same diff)

2 messy tablespoons honey

2 cups whole milk (Here I substituted reduced fat buttermilk because the recipe only calls for 2 cups and I didn't want to buy an entire half gallon of whole milk, so I got a small "on the go" milk instead)

1/2 teaspoon allspice

1 teaspoon ground mustard

Pinch of cayenne pepper (I skipped this)

Freshly grated nutmeg, to taste (I used dried because I had it on hand)

Salt and pepper, to taste

1 can unsweetened pumpkin

2 1/2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese

Parsley

I suggest doing as much prep as possible before you start. Once you get going, things come together very quickly!

This is the nutmeg, allspice, mustard, salt and pepper

Poorly grated cheese with useless plastic grater

Bring a large pot of water to a rolling boil, add salt, and cook penne until al dente. Drain and set aside.

Pre-heat oven or broiler, whichever you prefer. You can broil until the top is golden and bubbling, or you can bake until the same effect is reached. I'm terrified of the broiler, so I preheated the oven to 350.

Melt the butter in a medium sized sauce pot and whisk in flour. Allow the roux to cook until the color has darkened and there is a nutty aroma. I had a Le Cordon Bleu student on Facebook unnecessarily explain to me how to do this earlier when I posted my recipe, like I didn't already know. It ruffled my feathers a bit because I get defensive of my kitchen, and he is always interjecting like I'm a foolish amateur. Which I am, but only I can tell myself that!

Raise the heat and add the chicken stock. Reduce until almost evaporated. Add honey and slowly whisk in buttermilk. Again, Sir Knows A Lot told me to heat the milk beforehand or it will curdle. Duh. I just whisked the buttermilk in as one would add olive oil to a delicate mayonnaise. Very slowly. Once the milk has been thoroughly incorporated add your little prep bowl full of seasoning. Allow the sauce to thicken until it coats the inside of your stomach (or a spoon, that works too) and add more seasonings as you desire.

This is the fun part. If your medium sauce pot isn't big enough, good luck.

Scoop out the can of pumpkin puree in clumps and whisk into sauce one clump at a time until smooth. Stir in all of the cheese until completely melted and consistent.

Notice that my sauce pot was not big enough...

Lay your al dente penne pasta in a broil proof casserole dish if you're broiling or an oven safe casserole dish if you're baking, like so:

They typically say "Microwave Safe No Broiling" on the bottom

Evenly cover the pasta with your cheese sauce. Top the dish off with more cut cheddar, some paprika, and a sprinkle of parsley.

Poof!

Stick in the oven until bubbling and golden.

I dare you not to eat all of it

Serves 4-6 hungry Minnesotans

Next time I would use whole milk. The buttermilk was fine, but it leaves a terrible taste in your mouth after. To find the original recipe go here. Let me know what you think! In the mean time, this will make your day:

Happy Halloween!

If I caught the devil I would stick a pear apple in her mouth and bake her in the oven

It's been a long Monday, but here are my favorite things on this sweet fall day:

Kim Kardashian's divorce from Kris Humphries (we didn't want you in mpls anyway, kimberly!)

Cinnamon Spice Tea from Caribou

Shorewood Bar and Grill in Fridley.

My Amnesty International tote bag. It's half the size of a regular tote bag which is nice. I find others too bulky. (make a donation and maybe you'll get one!)

And lastly, my thrifted leather jacket with a sharp shoulder.

Things I don't like so much today include the brussel sprouts that I made for lunch. They seem like they would be better steamed versus on the skillet. Good thing my portobello mushroom saved the day with the accompaniment of some some feta and tomato sauce.

Things That I've Done With Eggplant

I apologize if I am missing sentences or words in this post, I've been entirely distracted by Angelina Jolie's lips in The Tourist. Pause at 31:56 when she is shmoozing Johnny Depp in Venice and try not to freak out about her face.

I went to the Farmer's Market two Sundays ago and came home with a mother load of mini eggplants and small yukon gold potatoes. I wasn't thinking clearly, considering I had just gotten off of the night shift so when I woke up at 6 P.M. that evening I was surprised to see a half eaten raw potato in bed with me. That's not Ambien folks, that's just plain crazy sleep deprived.

Everywhere the public looks there is Eggplant Parmesan. By everywhere I am referring to Olive Garden, so eggparm was not an option for my eggplants. I looked to my copy of Joy for advice. I learned two things, eggplant changes moods like an angsty teen, and it soaks up liquid like a Bounty paper towel. If you keep it for too long it gets bitter and needs to be immersed in sea salt for 1-3 hours to extract the bad taste, but if you use it right away it will take up all of your olive oil and butter and water and the juice from your chicken and the moisture in the air of your kitchen. I found the best way to beat the system is to score the surface deeply with a knife and then stuff the cracks with garlic and onion powder before steaming in the microwave for 5-8 minutes (depending on the size). Excess liquid will seep out of the cracks during steaming and the garlic/onion combination will cover any bitter taste. I did this with the clean yukon potatoes and mashed both veggies together with some pepper and olive oil. Add some feta cheese to the top and you have an amazing remake of the mashed potato.

That's not feta cheese stuck to the side of the bowl. That's a dog. She was dying for some eggplant.

In another bout of insanity I decided to use up the terrible olive oil that was brought to me when I sent a college male out to fetch me groceries during a frantic day in the kitchen. I dumped some EVOO into a bowl, squeezed in half a lemon, spooned in some honey, and added some chopped walnuts and a shake of pepper. While the olive oil was fermenting my walnuts, I sliced some eggplants and tossed them in a colander with sea salt. Since my patience is about the size of a Ken Barbie doll, I immediately covered a baking sheet with tin foil and doused it with more olive oil. Before the EVOO could eat through to the pan I threw down the eggplants and spooned my cocktail over the top. I sprinkled everything with feta cheese in hopes that it could thwart the molotov of heavy flavors and popped it into the oven at 350 degrees. After the eggplant had sizzled and browned slightly, I pulled it out and set to curling some prosciutto for the tops.

I folded one slice over, stuck it into my mouth and immediately felt my lips crack. It seems that eggplant can also absorb salt crystals. I suggest never immersing them in a salt bath and just compensating for the bitter taste with a different flavor. Other than that, my improvisation turned out fairly well, although I'll probably just stick to mashed eggplant next time.