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Monday, June 21, 2010

Dear Karen,


From what I gather you are the dean of students at MCTC. I believe that you will be able to assist me in this little problem that I have. Come to think of it..I have a lot of problems with MCTC, but this one is really inhibiting my ability to learn. In recent weeks I have become overly violent while maneuvering my vehicle through an over packed parking ramp only to find myself being directed to shove my car into a makeshift parking space. I feel like I'm being asked to stand naked in the middle of an intersection. My car normally ends up sticking dangerously far out into the aisle. I'm waiting for ghetto fabulous to clip off a side mirror or mistake my car for a speed bump.

Today will be the third day in a row that I have missed my college algebra class. Luckily, attendance does not effect my grade, but I do feel like I'm 6,000 dollars in debt for no reason. Some people that attend MCTC may be compelled to stockpile quarters in their vehicles, but I do not know where to find the ATM that ejects such denominations. I ran out of sticky chump change early last week, and I do not fancy a parking ticket unless all fines are covered under the handbook's "we suck" clause.

I would be happy to take alternative transportation to class, but I left my broom at Hogwarts when they threw me out. My second option would be Metro Transit, but as we all know, smelly bike riders take the bus at this time of year and no one likes people who tuck their pants into their socks.

My third option would be to take a cab, but they all have a picture of my face on their scanners. I'm not allowed to ride with Suburban or Blue and White taxis because I have space issues. I don't handle boundaries very well and cabbies get nervous when I put the front seat back and lay on my stomach. What can I say? I get car sick and they don't carry barf bags.

My last legitimate option would be to get to school at 5 A.M. and try to park my car in the skyway, but that is just absurd. It is common knowledge that only Japanese brand cars know how to walk up stairs.

Other less reasonable reasons include:
-My horse has an aversion to traffic laws.
-My motor scooter was designed in the 70's. It's fueled with bong water, but marijuana is illegal and impossible to find anywhere in Minneapolis. Maybe if we lived in Pasadena.
And finally,
-My boyfriend doesn't let me ride him all over town...

In conclusion,
After all of this audacious rambling I would like to request that MCTC officials regulate the influx of parking permits, monitoring the people coming in and out. No parking permit, no entry. I, as an outstanding student, have reserved myself a parking spot whether it is on the roof or in the farthest corner of the basement. My permit is updated and fully accessible. It hangs proudly on my rearview mirror, taunting the face of law enforcement when they chide me for having objects obstruction my view of the road.

If parking continues to be a hassle for the parking attendants to control, I will be happy to take matters into my own hands. My louisville slugger and I would be honored to go around and smash the back window of every car with last years parking permit, or none at all. Double parked vehicles will also find that both side mirrors will be missing. I feel that these measures will make the parking attendants job much easier, as the smashed widow should be a clear indicator that the owner of said vehicle is abusing their parking privileges.

With love,

Inmate 00314348

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