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Monday, October 12, 2009

Dear City of Minneapolis,

(Disclaimer: I am not really sending this letter. It wouldn't get me anywhere. I can't control the dumbfucks. Enjoy my overly sarcastic, claim to road ownership...)

If you were at all interested in knowing why it is snowing on October 12th, I will tell you. I am sorry to inform you that you completely threw off the cosmic balance of Minnesota by turning 1st Avenue into a two way. The snow is a direct consequence of your bull-shit use of stimulus money. Today is Monday, the first Monday since the road change, and I can tell you from my own experience that your big idea sucks. I saw only one car utilizing the opposite side of the road to head North, and I must say that they are very gutsy human beings. My original plan for this day was to continue driving as I usually would: passing stupid idiots as I please in my usual multiple lanes, ignoring the yellow line, and surley I could have done just that because as you can see from my previous statement, I only saw one car on the other side of the double yellow. Lucky for that daring soul, my grandma told me that my plan was stupid, as I am telling you that your plan is stupid. Someone could have died. Thanks grandma for your wisdom.
I read the Star Tribune nearly every day and have yet to find a story that explains to me the following things:
Who pushed for the 2-ways?
Who voted for them?
And, is this a result of the new stadium?
Because baseball fans, unlike most football fans, are not mildly stupid and can infact find their way through downtown by reading the signs. The old signs did not say: 'No parking in the middle of the fucking road monday thru friday 6am-9am, 4pm-6pm, and every other leap year'. for fuck sake, correct me if I'm mistaken, but I'm pretty sure they said "ONE WAY" with a big black arrow pointing in the direction of the one way. I hope that the city officials were NOT the football loving idiots that couldn't understand the concept of one-way traffic or our city is in dire need of a change in authority. If you want directions to the metrodome I will paint you a big red line to follow. I don't think you can miss the marshmallow that is conveniently located right off of a 35W exit specifically so people like you don't get lost....ZINGGG. According to our city once you get past the metrodome you don't know how to navigate the streets any longer. so sad.

I will continue this after I take my Nutrition test, in my Community college, which is located directly at the end of your stupid changes. My next complaint it going to be that mother fucking light at the intersection of Hell and the 394 exit into downtown. WHERE IS THE GREEN ARROW????

At the intersection of 12th street and 1st Avenue where 394 traffic USED to have to turn left, they can now speed straight ahead... There are agitated students yielding to the boisterous vehicals, waiting for three or four light changes only to be late to class and ridiculed. It was convenient when we were legally able to turn left on red, that is clearly no longer a possibility. BUT, I have noticed after sitting at that damn light for 10 minutes that the cross traffic has been yielding when their light turns green to allow all the pissed off commuters to make a left hand turn on a red. How nice of them. I'm currently waiting for some self-righteous bike rider who is finally driving their car to ruin all of the nice by smashing into a pissed off student. That is a fight I want to see if it means I will get a fricken green arrow. I refuse to wake up an extra half an hour to wait at your stupid intersection. Why don't you spend another 10,000 dollars on a green arrow. I assume that your simple explanation for this problem would be to take Hennipen avenue the whole way to school but I would rather not run over a self-righteous bike rider or get myself hit by an even more self-righteous bus full of bike riders avoiding the snow. I think my solution to the green arrow issue is to give a homless man a construction slow/stop sign and a few shots of mexican piss.

Can you tell I don't like bikes? I would be perfectly fine with them if I didn't feel like I was going to kill one because they weave in and out of my line of vision. I've seen a drunk guy ride his bike more gracefully than the people cycling downtown. Do they get the right of way because they are incompetent? is that the same reason buses get the right of way? They now get a full lane to themselves. Why don't we build them an underground tunnel? That would extremely conveniece my life and all the other irritated drivers.

I will end for today with one question. What are you going to do with all the dead drunk people? They don't look both ways. And that weird parking shit you have going on in the right lane is going to only enlarge the problem for their designated drivers. I will tell you right now that personally, I am going to refuse to pick people up from the bars on 1st Avenue unless they walk all the way to Washington. I am NOT dealing with that madness. Correction: your madness. Basically, it's going to come down to a lot more drunk people driving home. Good luck with that. Not my drunkards, not my problem.

Finally, I am going to suggest to you, Minneapolis, that you start converting Central Avenue to a one way just for the Hell of it. Two wrongs don't make a right, but maybe they will make the snow stop.


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